i'm tired

I feel a change coming on. It's been a while coming because I am not comfortable with change or the direction this change is going. Don't mistake me, it's an incredibly necessary change, but it's also one that's requiring me to grow. Over the past several weeks I've noticed my inability to allow people in my life to do things. On the short list it's things like chores; i.e. picking up toys, making beds, whatever. In the long run it's larger things. Things I simply just do because there's not really any fight in me left. I feel like I've let others get away with treating me in a way that not only do I not deserve, but ten years ago I would have never allowed. Nothing awful, just more in the realm of taking advantage when they know better. Have you ever been there? I'm at a point where things just exhaust me right at the thought of them. I know it'll be difficult to deal with so I'd rather just do whatever it is myself rather than have to deal with the drama. I'm exhausted by drama. Things should be  how they should be and that's just it. I'm not looking for perfection here, just for others to handle their responsibilities rather than heap it on the already worn down/out person. The sad part is, I sort of feel like I'm already asking too much. I've been carrying the load for a long time, why can't I just keep carrying it? Because I'm exhausted. I simply just can't do it anymore. I'm at the point where I'm tired all the time. Cranky all the time. Disappointed all the time. And that has to stop. Some of the burdens have to be shifted back to the people I've been carrying them for.

 

As many of you know, we recently moved back to Clyde. That's what started this painful growth process, and my mental realization of the problem. First I had to admit that this was a problem to begin with. For a long time I've felt like I couldn't breath. There was no time to come up for air with everything I've been juggling, emotionally and physically. But moving out here allowed me the time to slow down and breath. Inevitably it also allowed me the time to think through why I was so physically, spiritually, and emotionally exhausted. This time allowed me to see what's not right in my life and has given me the courage to actually do something about it. Grow a spine. Sooner or later I'm going to have to stand up and say that I will not take on anymore burdens for others. It's time to stand on my feet and say no more heaping! No more manipulations so that I'll simply cave and take care of it all rather than fight for myself. It goes so much deeper than simply household chores, that's a mere example. The actual "things" don't matter as much as the realization that I can breathe. It's okay to give back what others are responsible for, and it's okay to expect them to take care of their own responsibilities. It's also okay to step back and let them make mistakes and grow from them. Certainly grace and forgiveness come into play, but the biggest mistake of all would be to continue carrying these things and watch myself falter and fall while the others sit and stagnate.

This exhausted "fixer" is broken. But that's okay, because she can finally breathe.

coming home

Well, what I said wouldn't happen did. I'm back home in Clyde, America. It's not what I expected. But in all honesty, I'm not really sure what I expected. It's weird. Weird being back in the same house I grew up in. Weird seeing people I know everywhere. Weird seeing people I don't know at all. Weird seeing how this sleepy little bedroom community has grown from what it was. What felt like home doesn't really feel like home anymore. I feel more like I've moved to a new town rather than moving back home. It's completely different, but in some ways still the same. One thing I underestimated was the people I knew so many years ago. I think I overestimated in my head how "reunions" would go. Not that I expected the people to open up and be overly friendly (because we we're that close in school), but I mean.... I did grow up with them. So it's a little weird with some tension or weirdness there. I'm not sure what I expected, but the awkwardness didn't register on my list of expectations. To be honest, it's probably me. I'm approaching things in a way I never did. I'm approaching it quietly, almost shyly. If you know me, you know I'm neither quiet or shy. I guess it's because I just don't know what to expect. It's weird right? Some of these people have been in this town since graduating from high school, others have moved back (like me), but the majority has spent a good portion of the last 15 years here in Clyde. There's a bond there between them that seems almost impenetrable. It's odd, and more than a little awkward, stepping into something like that. I expect that when I see them it'll be friendly because I've chatted with some of them on Facebook or texted/emailed here and there. I think I put too much into cordiality. Mind you, no one's been rude and slammed doors in my face. It's just "off". Not really explainable. Just feels somewhat off. Like I'm going to need to prove myself before I'm allowed into the inner-circle of friends. I guess the past month has shown me what I really knew all along, I'm on the outskirts of both town and people. And for me that's a weird position to be in. I crave relationship and friendship. I'm so much more of a people person than I realized. I want to make friends, but I feel like I already had friends in my mind. I underestimated the need to start over. I think when we moved back I expected that shout at Cheers that Norm got every time he walked into the bar. I forget that you have to be "Norm" in order for people to invite you in. It's really interesting being back in town, wondering where I'll see someone I know, and then it's weird trying to find out if they'll accept me. I'm not sure where this need to feel accepted has come from. It makes me itchy on the inside. I don't like tempering myself to see if they'll be cold or friendly. The biggest lesson I've learned is that coming home is the easy part. Getting back into the flow of hometown life is one very difficult task to handle!

trying to stage a comeback

Well hello there blogville. I've been gone a while. A long while. I can't promise you anything, but I can tell you that this wanna-be writer is going to try to stage a come-back. I've somehow managed to get some time on my hands since graduation. For those who missed it - I am now a graduate of Liberty University Online. Officially I've graduated though I will still visit the campus in May and walk with my fellow 2012 graduates. I'm told my diploma should arrive at some point in March, unless it's held for mailing until after walking. I'm praying for the earlier date. Something about having the paper in my hands makes it more real. For me and for others. But I'm not worried about the others, lol.

So, since graduation I've found myself with a bit of free time on my hands. I haven't had much to do with it until now. I'm working with our youth group to gain experience for later when God calls us away. At first I felt like that would be right after I graduated but God has settled us in here and I don't feel that urgency anymore. So while we're here and settled in, we might as well serve to the fullest, right? Therefore I'm diving in! Diving into student ministry. Diving into a deeper study of God's Word. Diving into devotions I've put off because "I didn't have time". Diving into my family. Diving into the lives of those God has placed before me. Just diving in.

And yes, that means diving back into writing. Many of you don't know but writing has always been a passion of mine. I don't do it because I feel like I'm no good at it. Like sometimes the words jumble up or sometimes I use them too strangely for anyone to really follow me. But writing here is sort of releasing for me. I can jumble my thoughts here and still "get it" when I read it, and lets face it, blogging is faster than actually writing in by hand, so this is where my thoughts get spilled out. Or was until I didn't have time for it. Hopefully that's going to change :)

So get ready blogville. The crazy, jumbled thought, wanna-be writer is coming back!

Ready or not, here I blog.

confession sometimes takes help

I've been studying this week about confession and the blessings that come with it. Sometimes though our sin is something we may not recognize. We may not know we are sinning or we've repressed the knowledge of the sin so much so that we don't remember, or we need a reminder. In Psalm 139:23-24 David exemplifies a man who so desired to be clean in the sight of God that he asked God to reveal any unconfessed sin.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

David asked God to search for his sin and then to point them out! It's what some call Gods exploratory surgery on our hearts. We need that revelation sometimes because we can blind ourselves to what sin is by masking it with calling it "good". We lie to someone to spare their feelings. We omit truths because they would cause strife. We forget that even our thoughts are monitored by the Spirit. We live a life of comfort outside of Sunday morning services that keeps us from really having a full relationship with God. The sins that we perceive as small and insignificant block God from certain areas of our heart. In these verses David was desperate for God to break down those walls. He asked God to reveal the sin so that he (David) could repent of it so that he could continue in God's "way everlasting". I for one know I have sin in my life that should be weeded out and am challenging myself to seek out God's "exploratory surgery", His pruning, so that I may continue on in His way. What about you? I challenge you to do the same. Seek God and ask Him to reveal to you any unconfessed sin in your life. I guarantee that when you see His revelation, and when you confess before Him, you will feel a freedom unlike most anything you may ever feel. Because, confession is not simply telling God the things you've done wrong - confession allows us to experience God's amazing act of forgiveness and presents us clean and ready to be used by Him for His glory and purpose. Confession frees us from the bondage and guilt of sin and releases us from its power. Be free my friends!

inspiration

So, I have been reading my friend Amanda's blog and I love love love all of her sewing projects! She's pretty talented y'all. She made a darling apron that I just love and sparked the idea that I'd like to make my own cute apron but am wrestling with what fabric to use for it. Well today I popped over and she linked to a really cool page that I'm now adding to my list of must read blogs! And guess what else??? They are doing a giveaway! So go check out the cute aprons (and I mean totally cute!!) at CutiePinwheel, and check out the giveaway too :)

he learned to read

I wasn't afraid of much when we decided to homeschool the boys. I knew it would be difficult and we'd have some pretty awful days that led to my wishing we'd not made this choice. But I also knew we'd have some great days. Days in which the boys would "get it" and we'd be done with time to spare. Days on which we'd just have fun instead of follow the many many charts I made to keep us on target. Breakthrough days in which something we'd been working on forever would come to fruition and understanding. I wasn't afraid, I was ready for the challenge. God led us here, so no matter the difficulty I was ready to get my hands dirty. In all areas but one. I was terrified to teach Daniel to read. I knew I did not know how to teach a child to read and I was so worried that he wouldn't get it. David went to public school until halfway through 1st grade. He learned to read from a really excellent teacher and was reading at a 5th grade level by the end of Kindergarten! See the pressure I put myself under? It was awful! But I knew I'd never get it done by allowing the fear to eat me up interally (because I didn't DARE mention this fear to anyone!) I went straight to the throne of God and poured out the entire fear. I told God about how I didn't want to damage my child's education and how I didn't have the first clue of what to do. I didn't know anything about teaching him to read. Nothing. And I was going to need some supernatural guidance on this one. If God wanted me to teach this child to read, He was going to have to take me by the hand and do it through me. I got up off the floor about an hour later exhausted but less afraid. When I went to check the mail that afternoon, God placed my hand on the answer. It was an advertisement for the Hooked on Phonics Learn to Read progam. Now, yes, I knew this program was out there obviously, but you know how you just know it's God telling you something important? I just knew. God put my hand on His answer. Still slightly timid, I bought the program and began homsechooling Daniel in his Kindergarten year. I am not kidding when I tell you that the boy finished the program by December and was reading those "I can read" books for the rest of the year. Now that we are nearing the end of 1st grade with him, he is reading chapter books and loving them! Here is the part that tells me that I was not the one to teach him to read. Hooked on Phonics is an amazing program to learn how to read - however, it teaches you phonetically. The child does not learn blended sounds or silent letters. Please know I'm not knocking the program - buy it, it works! But Daniel went from reading phonetically written books, to regular books without any additional lessons. He went straight into Harry Potter reading it aloud like he'd just always been a reader and I just didn't know it. The boy can READ y'all. I don't know when the switch flipped, but God really carried this child on His shoulders the whole way. Once I surrendered and let God lead it's like a rocket shot off straight for the reading highway! If only I could do this with more of the fears in my life! How free would I be if I simply poured it out on the thrown of grace and said - if this is to be done right, I need to take the backseat and let God drive for a while? Something to ponder...

debra's photo challenge

So... I'm back! Well, till I'm gone :) No promises on how long this blogging will be kept up, but hey, I'm here now right? Anyway, so my friend Debra started up her photo challenge again and I loves me some fun photo taking opportunities! Problem is, my camera is broken. Please, may we take a moment of silence for Mr. Kodak Easy Share? ...... I broke him and it has bothered me ever-since. I absolutely hate that I was the one to drop him. I NEVER drop stuff like that :(. And so the photographer "wanna-be" in me has been feeling quite lonely these days. Because well.... she who "never" (did I say never???) drops things, dropped her cell phone one too many times and broke that camera as well. Gah. Right after Christmas though we were albe to upgrade my phone to a handy dandy new LG Rumor Touch. It's *almost* too much phone for me, but I'm making do ;). Anyway, it's got a working camera!! (who know for how long cause I've already dropped it more times than I can count! shhhhh!) Sooooo, when Debra posted her challenge I wanted to jump in! Other problem is that we're in the process of moving (loooong story) so I haven't had much time to see many "greens". Then I looked down. Right there on the front of my History of Christianity textbook there is a mint-green steeple. Now how cool is that. So I whipped out said handy dandy Mr. LG and snapped the pic! So here you go, my green for the weekend! :) (it looks a little more minty in person)