i haven't been here in a while

I know. I'm sorry. Life. It happens. Lately it's not been fun. It's been hard. It's kept me on my knees in prayer. It taught me to give up things I can't handle. And it handed me a difficult blow that I will try to explain. For years I have been praying for one thing. More like begging. I've spent my life focusing on the "what if" that "might" happen. I've worked my hopes and dreams around this one thing. I've never wanted anything more. It feels impossible to write the words here. Know they are coming with fresh tears. I'm still working out the No answer that I got last week. What is this thing that has my heart so deeply wrapped? A daughter. (ouch. feels like I just got punched.) I dream about her. I window shop for her. I pray for her. I will not have her. You see, I've gotten very frustrated waiting on God to give me MY answer. Get that? I've been waiting for the answer I wanted. Last Sunday God made it abundantly clear to my head, and my heart, what HIS answer is. And you know what? I already knew it. When my heart heard it, my head already knew it. I just wanted to ignore it. I wasn't taking His no. I guess last week I finally accepted it. God spoke straight to me as if I was the only one in the congregation. He carved out some time that was just Him and I and sat me down like a father talking to His daughter about something she just really needed to understand and accept. It hurt. It still hurts. But I get it. I accept it. Sometimes our desires are not His. Sometimes what I want for myself is not what God has planned for my life. Since last week I have not dreamed of her. I have not spent my days in the "what if" mind-mode. I will not say I have not been sad but my life and heart are moving forward. I will take what God has given me and I will move forward knowing that I am more blessed than I deserve. I wish the answer didn't have to hurt so bad, but that's really the only way I would have heard it. So, now what? I honestly have no idea. God is stirring up something in me but I don't know what it is. In the meantime I will keep going to Him. Because even if He says no sometimes, He still loves me and He's still got an incredible plan for my life. That's what I hold on to.

i blog-stalk

So would you PUH-LEASE update your blog! Lol :) Mamma needs some reading material! I visit blogs when I need a bread from school work. Who do I visit??

Debra - Love her blog because her thoughts are just cool, and she's got some rockin' photo skills!!
Annette - Who wouldn't love Mrs. Annette's blog! It's got everything!
Jenn B - Girl. You are REAL and I love it! I read this blog and feel like I'm sitting across the table from you!
Rachel - I miss you friend! But I love reading your blog and catching up on the goings on with writing. I can't wait to have a copy of your first book on my shelf!
Francesca - Have known Francesca since grade school. Love reading your heart for God. You are inspiring!
Amanda - That button necklace is too cool for words! You are so creative, I love love LOVE seeing your creations!
JoAnn - another blog I read and feel like I'm chatting with a good friend. JoAnn - you are awesome!
JJ Heller - now this girl is just crafty. I love her music, but I think I love her crafty ideas just as much!
Real Hope For Haiti - one of these days God will make a way for me to visit this place in person. Until then, I read and listen to God as He moves my heart for this kids.
Anissa - love love love how you write! I always end up pondering for a good portion of the day after reading something from you!
Melissa N - oh girl. I just love you friend. I love reading your blog. I just love it.

So there ya have it, my reading list :) I love reading about what you all are doing and what God is doing in your lives. I love sharing in praises and prayers, and I love that this crazy thing call Blogspot can connect us in the world of writing! May God bless all of you, and may He press upon you to keep your goofy friend Jen updated!

Until then - read on blog world! :)

i took 10 down.

So. Today I walked. And walked. And walked. Felt like it was never going to end, lol. Actually the first six miles were great. Then I started the 4th time around the campus. Started out good, but towards the middle I quickly realized that Satan (the little punk) didn't want me finishing. I started to toy with the idea of stopping at 8. No one would blame me. I'm sick and feel like dirt. But then God showed up. He reminded me that yeah I may be tired and wanna quit, but He's THERE. Right there with me. Walking and having my back. Just like we learned in small group, He's the big Papa Bear standing behind the cub sayin "don't you mess with my girl!" So I kicked Satans tail today. That last trek around (the 5th one) was gruesome. I really just wanted to sit down and stop moving. All of those stone benches have never looked so pretty in my life. Did I sit? Did I rest? Shoot no! I knew if I did it'd be all over. Someone would just have to roll me to my car. So I counted in head. 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2.... And I looked at every flag posted on the route, trying to figure out what state/country it went to before I could get close enough for my blind-as-a-bat eyes to read it. I focused on one more tree farther, one more corner to round, one more time to pass by the softball girls gearing up for their game. By the way, they hit 4 balls over the fence and some girl scaled the wall to get them. That kept my mind occupied for a bit. I focused on anything other than the pain in my feet and knee. And guess what??? My last mile was walked just as quickly as mile 6 (the best one)! God was there like wind on my back pushing me to finish! The last two laps on the track (to round off the 10 miles) I barely felt. It was great. I did it. I whipped 10 into shape and reminded it that my God is big enough to push this big gal to the end! Satan did not win the battle. It honestly felt for a while that there was a battle being fought off to the side of me, one side willing me to quit the other reminding me of His strength. Today was a journey. And I won. 10 went down and 13 is next!

this is why I walk

I am blessed to be able to homschool our boys. I love it. They are two of my favorite people in the entire world and to get to see their faces light up when the understand something. I'm also incredibly blessed to serve in Children's Ministry. I love seeing kids smile, play, and have fun. The joy on their faces is always contagious! Which brings me to the reason I'm walk/jogging in this half marathon. The Real Hope For Haiti Rescue Center in Cazale, Haiti do amazing work for the sick and malnourished children in their region. They also help children go to school. $250 is all it takes for one child to attend school for the year. That's it. I'm walking to raise awareness, and hopefully money to send at least two children to school. Below is a link to view the latest children up for sponsorship. Please pray for these kids and also if God lays it on your heart to donate you can either donate on their page or mine. All of the money will go towards sponsoring the children. Above all, please pray for the kids and servants at Real Hope For Haiti. They are doing great things for the people of Haiti in God's name!!

Here is the link.

dude....

I know I haven't written much in a while. I kind of come here for some "blurb" therapy when I need to just get stuff out of my head and onto the screen. But well... my life is going pretty good right now and there's not much to blurb about. Good problem to have right? Lol. So I'll update y'all in some bullet points - here we go....

*1/2 training is still happening - I haven't been able to do as much as I'd like to over the past few weeks, but I'm doing alright.

*School is kicking my tail. Health class is a LOT of work. Not too difficult, just a LOT. It's piled on and seems to come from every direction.

*I absolutely love my Acts class. I *almost* (I said ALMOST professor!) wish it would last a bit longer than 8 weeks. It's fascinating to me.

*I absolutely dislike my Algebra class. Seems like just when I feel I have the hang of it, they throw in a fraction just to remind my brain of how weak and lacking it is in the Algebra Department. Seriously thinking of doing some Geometry just to remind my brain that we CAN do some higher math!

*I miss my sister. We text a lot, usually daily and we're planning another trip to NM around Thanksgiving, but still... I miss her. Can't wait to see her again!

*I am feeling God stirring a deeper purpose within Children's Ministry in me. I'm not sure what, but it's there waiting for revelation. I'm scared of what it will be, but I am praying for courage to do whatever it is God has for me.

*A friend of mine from Tarleton found out she has breast cancer on Friday. She is my age with two children. No words. Please pray for her.

*I am having some health issues. Not really sure what's going on, but pray for me as well.

*The boys are doing great. David joined the homeschool Cool Runnings track team and loves it. He is convinced the right running shoes have made all the difference. I think he's right. He is also going to start Piano lessons soon. We are all excited about that!

*Daniel is... well, Daniel. We are having some issues with begging and whining so we're trying to combat that. But he's a good kid and so we hope it's just a phase. He's doing great with school. The other day I heard him reading and went in his room and he was reading the Bible. Too cool for words.

*Scott is working a lot but what else is new :) We've learned to adapt to his schedule and are getting in some really good family time and that is really making a difference for the better in our family.

I think that is about it for us. Do you feel updated? Lol :) We are just living life and trying to make it day by day. We focus on the Lord and family and do what we can do for our Lord, our church, and our family/friends. God has blessed us and we are simply in a happy season. I hope this happy season lasts and lasts and lasts :)

i walked with God this morning

This morning was a great walk. I managed 4 miles. I say managed because old mr. shin pain creeped back in and wouldn't go away for the entire first mile. Ugh. But by mile 2 I was 90% pain free and in my stride. I was tired though. But I didn't want to stop at 2, I wanted to keep going so I pushed. What happened at the start of mile 3 was awesome. The sun peered out from behind a cloud and shone with a bright vigor only God could have poured down and my ipod began the tune of He Is Lord. Oh my soul. Right there at ACU, right in front of the track, my hand flew up and it and my soul did some praising. I don't know what I looked like. I really don't care. That moment was a God moment. I knew I could finish because God was with me and cheering me on. When I had about 5 minutes left, God reminded me that He was with me by playing This Is Our God. It was a great closing to a great walk with God!

I do have to tell you that after I got home and the soreness of the walk began to set in, my mood went sour. It's crazy that I was on such a high moment with God and then one small thing snowballed and the day went south quickly. I didn't understand much of my schoolwork today, the boys picked up my mood and the grumpies set in. It was a rough afternoon that I finished off with an "ugly-cry". Yuck. I hate feeling that way. So, I put the books down and did some house cleaning. 5 loads of laundry later and I began to perk up. Then came the dinner of comforts and everyone's mood is picking up. It's slow, and we're all pretty worn out from the emotional roller coaster of a day, but at least we're not grumpy anymore. It's kind of funny, God took me through the journey of my walk today, and they had to take me through another journey of emotions. I think I went from high to low to okay. And right now I'm okay with okay :)

the right shoes do indeed make all the difference

Hello blog land! I've been gone for a while I know. Life got BUSY for a whole minute there. Walking got pushed to the side because I didn't have time for it :( That made me very sad. The changes I could feel taking place in my body slipped right back to their norms and I've just felt BLAH the past two weeks. It's been yuck. So today I was able to get back out and walk again! 2 miles around ACU and it was fantastic! I did notice that my legs weren't hurting on the first half mile like they usually do. I then realized it's because I wasn't wearing my knock-off-shape-ups. Don't get me wrong, I love how they make my legs feel, but the fact that I didn't have to spend the first half mile in pain was great! And I still felt just as good at the end in my new shoes as I did in my "shape-ups". So what new shoe you ask? Well, I went to Academy and found me some women's running shoes by New Balance. I really like them! And not just cause they have some pink on them. Though - the pink was the deciding factor in buying them, just sayin. My feet don't sweat nearly as much because they have some kind of air-flow-mesh-stuff (I do believe that IS the technical term, lol), and they don't hurt as much after the walk. I feel pretty good right now! I wish my body had felt like going another two miles. Maybe tomorrow. I'd been told better shoes would produce better results by our half coach (Ruthie is probably smiling at this point :) ) but it didn't really sink in until after my walk this morning that, wow! The right shoes really do make all the difference in how I feel during and after the walk! As does the tying technique! My feet didn't slip in the shoe once! The only time I felt a bit self-conscious during the walk was my wardrobe, lol. But that also is new and not changing so people are just going to have to get used to it. I found a bunch of walking/running clothes on clearance at WM a few weeks back and this morning tested out my jogging crops with walking shorts, and two (yeah two, lol) tops. I gotta tell ya - I did not feel the sweat as much! The clothes are supposed to wick the sweat away and I think they did! I knew I was sweating but didn't feel it as much. Works for me. The only downside is that they are a bit "clingy", not tight, but they do show all my "curves", lol. So when the teeny-bopper blondes come running by I feel a bit elephantile, but oh well. I'm here, I'm big, get used to me, :). I just turned my music up and walked on anyway! And if felt great :) So, please pray that I can continue to work out some walking time. Scott's schedule has been changed a little bit which is good for us, but it takes away my regular walking times. Plus, school has begun - both home and college, and those take priority as well. I'm still in this though. I feel better than I have in a very long time and it's a direct result of walking. I'm doing this half marathon and I'm not going to let Satan block me! Help me fight him off with some powerful prayers will ya? :)