Tuesday, July 28, 2009

i have to stop

I need a break. Not from you, not from blogland. Just a break. From a certain situation in my life. In this situation I can not bee who I am. I can not think how I do. Every move must be calculated. My heart must be saran wrapped. Many times shrink wrapped. In this situation I am not who I want to be. In this circumstance, I am not who God made me. I am fake. I say things I know I shouldn't. I let things be said to me that I would not accept otherwise. I ignore things that cut deep. I allow my shrinkwrapped heart to take a beating. I basically doormat myself and turn into someone I do not recognize. I like to think that who I am in that situation doesn't affect who I am outside of it. I trick myself into thinking that being two people works for me because that one area calls for it. It is a must in my life. Fakeness keeps me safe in that situation. Only God has opened my eyes and I see the black ink stains seeping into other areas of my life. It affects other areas I'd been blind to. God's shown me that because of my attitude and actions in that one area, others are going downhill quickly. So a few weeks ago I stopped. Stopped being who I could no longer be. It hurt. Me and others. It hurt deep. But not as deep as what I'd already been through. This is a necessary hurt. This hurt is a healing hurt. I have stopped being who I'm not and have not allowed myself to go back. It's been tempting to step back in that awful role I'd become so comfortable in. But the blessing has come in realizing what I was doing to myself and then in allowing God to heal me. Things will not be the same. I'm okay with that. I have realized that to not be me does an incredible diservice to God. He made me to be ME at all times, not just in the times it's safe. He made me to be ME and that's all I can do. So goodbye wrapped up, scared, nervous, girl. I have to stop so that I can begin. I am who I was created to be and that is amazingly healing to my heart.