Friday, December 28, 2012

i'm tired

I feel a change coming on. It's been a while coming because I am not comfortable with change or the direction this change is going. Don't mistake me, it's an incredibly necessary change, but it's also one that's requiring me to grow. Over the past several weeks I've noticed my inability to allow people in my life to do things. On the short list it's things like chores; i.e. picking up toys, making beds, whatever. In the long run it's larger things. Things I simply just do because there's not really any fight in me left. I feel like I've let others get away with treating me in a way that not only do I not deserve, but ten years ago I would have never allowed. Nothing awful, just more in the realm of taking advantage when they know better. Have you ever been there? I'm at a point where things just exhaust me right at the thought of them. I know it'll be difficult to deal with so I'd rather just do whatever it is myself rather than have to deal with the drama. I'm exhausted by drama. Things should be  how they should be and that's just it. I'm not looking for perfection here, just for others to handle their responsibilities rather than heap it on the already worn down/out person. The sad part is, I sort of feel like I'm already asking too much. I've been carrying the load for a long time, why can't I just keep carrying it? Because I'm exhausted. I simply just can't do it anymore. I'm at the point where I'm tired all the time. Cranky all the time. Disappointed all the time. And that has to stop. Some of the burdens have to be shifted back to the people I've been carrying them for.

As many of you know, we recently moved back to Clyde. That's what started this painful growth process, and my mental realization of the problem. First I had to admit that this was a problem to begin with. For a long time I've felt like I couldn't breath. There was no time to come up for air with everything I've been juggling, emotionally and physically. But moving out here allowed me the time to slow down and breath. Inevitably it also allowed me the time to think through why I was so physically, spiritually, and emotionally exhausted. This time allowed me to see what's not right in my life and has given me the courage to actually do something about it. Grow a spine. Sooner or later I'm going to have to stand up and say that I will not take on anymore burdens for others. It's time to stand on my feet and say no more heaping! No more manipulations so that I'll simply cave and take care of it all rather than fight for myself. It goes so much deeper than simply household chores, that's a mere example. The actual "things" don't matter as much as the realization that I can breathe. It's okay to give back what others are responsible for, and it's okay to expect them to take care of their own responsibilities. It's also okay to step back and let them make mistakes and grow from them. Certainly grace and forgiveness come into play, but the biggest mistake of all would be to continue carrying these things and watch myself falter and fall while the others sit and stagnate.

This exhausted "fixer" is broken. But that's okay, because she can finally breathe.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

coming home

Well, what I said wouldn't happen did. I'm back home in Clyde, America. It's not what I expected. But in all honesty, I'm not really sure what I expected. It's weird. Weird being back in the same house I grew up in. Weird seeing people I know everywhere. Weird seeing people I don't know at all. Weird seeing how this sleepy little bedroom community has grown from what it was. What felt like home doesn't really feel like home anymore. I feel more like I've moved to a new town rather than moving back home. It's completely different, but in some ways still the same. One thing I underestimated was the people I knew so many years ago. I think I overestimated in my head how "reunions" would go. Not that I expected the people to open up and be overly friendly (because we we're that close in school), but I mean.... I did grow up with them. So it's a little weird with some tension or weirdness there. I'm not sure what I expected, but the awkwardness didn't register on my list of expectations. To be honest, it's probably me. I'm approaching things in a way I never did. I'm approaching it quietly, almost shyly. If you know me, you know I'm neither quiet or shy. I guess it's because I just don't know what to expect. It's weird right? Some of these people have been in this town since graduating from high school, others have moved back (like me), but the majority has spent a good portion of the last 15 years here in Clyde. There's a bond there between them that seems almost impenetrable. It's odd, and more than a little awkward, stepping into something like that. I expect that when I see them it'll be friendly because I've chatted with some of them on Facebook or texted/emailed here and there. I think I put too much into cordiality. Mind you, no one's been rude and slammed doors in my face. It's just "off". Not really explainable. Just feels somewhat off. Like I'm going to need to prove myself before I'm allowed into the inner-circle of friends. I guess the past month has shown me what I really knew all along, I'm on the outskirts of both town and people. And for me that's a weird position to be in. I crave relationship and friendship. I'm so much more of a people person than I realized. I want to make friends, but I feel like I already had friends in my mind. I underestimated the need to start over. I think when we moved back I expected that shout at Cheers that Norm got every time he walked into the bar. I forget that you have to be "Norm" in order for people to invite you in. It's really interesting being back in town, wondering where I'll see someone I know, and then it's weird trying to find out if they'll accept me. I'm not sure where this need to feel accepted has come from. It makes me itchy on the inside. I don't like tempering myself to see if they'll be cold or friendly. The biggest lesson I've learned is that coming home is the easy part. Getting back into the flow of hometown life is one very difficult task to handle!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

trying to stage a comeback

Well hello there blogville. I've been gone a while. A long while. I can't promise you anything, but I can tell you that this wanna-be writer is going to try to stage a come-back. I've somehow managed to get some time on my hands since graduation. For those who missed it - I am now a graduate of Liberty University Online. Officially I've graduated though I will still visit the campus in May and walk with my fellow 2012 graduates. I'm told my diploma should arrive at some point in March, unless it's held for mailing until after walking. I'm praying for the earlier date. Something about having the paper in my hands makes it more real. For me and for others. But I'm not worried about the others, lol.

So, since graduation I've found myself with a bit of free time on my hands. I haven't had much to do with it until now. I'm working with our youth group to gain experience for later when God calls us away. At first I felt like that would be right after I graduated but God has settled us in here and I don't feel that urgency anymore. So while we're here and settled in, we might as well serve to the fullest, right? Therefore I'm diving in! Diving into student ministry. Diving into a deeper study of God's Word. Diving into devotions I've put off because "I didn't have time". Diving into my family. Diving into the lives of those God has placed before me. Just diving in.

And yes, that means diving back into writing. Many of you don't know but writing has always been a passion of mine. I don't do it because I feel like I'm no good at it. Like sometimes the words jumble up or sometimes I use them too strangely for anyone to really follow me. But writing here is sort of releasing for me. I can jumble my thoughts here and still "get it" when I read it, and lets face it, blogging is faster than actually writing in by hand, so this is where my thoughts get spilled out. Or was until I didn't have time for it. Hopefully that's going to change :)

So get ready blogville. The crazy, jumbled thought, wanna-be writer is coming back!

Ready or not, here I blog.