Saturday, November 13, 2010

i haven't been here in a while

I know. I'm sorry. Life. It happens. Lately it's not been fun. It's been hard. It's kept me on my knees in prayer. It taught me to give up things I can't handle. And it handed me a difficult blow that I will try to explain. For years I have been praying for one thing. More like begging. I've spent my life focusing on the "what if" that "might" happen. I've worked my hopes and dreams around this one thing. I've never wanted anything more. It feels impossible to write the words here. Know they are coming with fresh tears. I'm still working out the No answer that I got last week. What is this thing that has my heart so deeply wrapped? A daughter. (ouch. feels like I just got punched.) I dream about her. I window shop for her. I pray for her. I will not have her. You see, I've gotten very frustrated waiting on God to give me MY answer. Get that? I've been waiting for the answer I wanted. Last Sunday God made it abundantly clear to my head, and my heart, what HIS answer is. And you know what? I already knew it. When my heart heard it, my head already knew it. I just wanted to ignore it. I wasn't taking His no. I guess last week I finally accepted it. God spoke straight to me as if I was the only one in the congregation. He carved out some time that was just Him and I and sat me down like a father talking to His daughter about something she just really needed to understand and accept. It hurt. It still hurts. But I get it. I accept it. Sometimes our desires are not His. Sometimes what I want for myself is not what God has planned for my life. Since last week I have not dreamed of her. I have not spent my days in the "what if" mind-mode. I will not say I have not been sad but my life and heart are moving forward. I will take what God has given me and I will move forward knowing that I am more blessed than I deserve. I wish the answer didn't have to hurt so bad, but that's really the only way I would have heard it. So, now what? I honestly have no idea. God is stirring up something in me but I don't know what it is. In the meantime I will keep going to Him. Because even if He says no sometimes, He still loves me and He's still got an incredible plan for my life. That's what I hold on to.