As many of you know, we recently moved back to Clyde. That's what started this painful growth process, and my mental realization of the problem. First I had to admit that this was a problem to begin with. For a long time I've felt like I couldn't breath. There was no time to come up for air with everything I've been juggling, emotionally and physically. But moving out here allowed me the time to slow down and breath. Inevitably it also allowed me the time to think through why I was so physically, spiritually, and emotionally exhausted. This time allowed me to see what's not right in my life and has given me the courage to actually do something about it. Grow a spine. Sooner or later I'm going to have to stand up and say that I will not take on anymore burdens for others. It's time to stand on my feet and say no more heaping! No more manipulations so that I'll simply cave and take care of it all rather than fight for myself. It goes so much deeper than simply household chores, that's a mere example. The actual "things" don't matter as much as the realization that I can breathe. It's okay to give back what others are responsible for, and it's okay to expect them to take care of their own responsibilities. It's also okay to step back and let them make mistakes and grow from them. Certainly grace and forgiveness come into play, but the biggest mistake of all would be to continue carrying these things and watch myself falter and fall while the others sit and stagnate.
This exhausted "fixer" is broken. But that's okay, because she can finally breathe.