Saturday, December 15, 2012

coming home

Well, what I said wouldn't happen did. I'm back home in Clyde, America. It's not what I expected. But in all honesty, I'm not really sure what I expected. It's weird. Weird being back in the same house I grew up in. Weird seeing people I know everywhere. Weird seeing people I don't know at all. Weird seeing how this sleepy little bedroom community has grown from what it was. What felt like home doesn't really feel like home anymore. I feel more like I've moved to a new town rather than moving back home. It's completely different, but in some ways still the same. One thing I underestimated was the people I knew so many years ago. I think I overestimated in my head how "reunions" would go. Not that I expected the people to open up and be overly friendly (because we we're that close in school), but I mean.... I did grow up with them. So it's a little weird with some tension or weirdness there. I'm not sure what I expected, but the awkwardness didn't register on my list of expectations. To be honest, it's probably me. I'm approaching things in a way I never did. I'm approaching it quietly, almost shyly. If you know me, you know I'm neither quiet or shy. I guess it's because I just don't know what to expect. It's weird right? Some of these people have been in this town since graduating from high school, others have moved back (like me), but the majority has spent a good portion of the last 15 years here in Clyde. There's a bond there between them that seems almost impenetrable. It's odd, and more than a little awkward, stepping into something like that. I expect that when I see them it'll be friendly because I've chatted with some of them on Facebook or texted/emailed here and there. I think I put too much into cordiality. Mind you, no one's been rude and slammed doors in my face. It's just "off". Not really explainable. Just feels somewhat off. Like I'm going to need to prove myself before I'm allowed into the inner-circle of friends. I guess the past month has shown me what I really knew all along, I'm on the outskirts of both town and people. And for me that's a weird position to be in. I crave relationship and friendship. I'm so much more of a people person than I realized. I want to make friends, but I feel like I already had friends in my mind. I underestimated the need to start over. I think when we moved back I expected that shout at Cheers that Norm got every time he walked into the bar. I forget that you have to be "Norm" in order for people to invite you in. It's really interesting being back in town, wondering where I'll see someone I know, and then it's weird trying to find out if they'll accept me. I'm not sure where this need to feel accepted has come from. It makes me itchy on the inside. I don't like tempering myself to see if they'll be cold or friendly. The biggest lesson I've learned is that coming home is the easy part. Getting back into the flow of hometown life is one very difficult task to handle!


Amanda said...

Maybe it feels off because you are (as you said)approaching things differently than you usually would. Try just being you, the regular, untempered version. Maybe you arne't Norm, maybe you are everyone else in the bar who greeted him so warmly. When you don't put out your warm greeting as you would have previously, maybe they other person feels 'off' too. Just a thought.

And remember, change is always difficult, no matter how easy it is. It always takes some time to adjust.

jen said...

You're definitely right. I think this is a pre-cursor to a much bigger change that God is working over in me. This is definitely a season of growth for me in which I am being pulled from a very comfortable (not so healthy) spot. God has shown me a major area in my life that needs to change in order for me to be truly happy and it starts by letting go of some things while bringing in others. I hope that bringing in includes the ability to reach out and create friendships that are lasting and rooted deep! I desire them greatly, I'm just not sure how to create them.