Thursday, September 13, 2007

a long afternoon

Here I sit. Disappointed. Hurt. Upset. And wondering. Wondering why. I had a job interview yesterday. It was for a job that I'd applied for 18 months ago and was turned down. It had come back open and this time I was determined. After two grueling weeks of pre-interview after pre-interview. It came down to 4. 3 other couples, and us. Yesterday was our final interview. Everything was right on. We'd sailed through all the other interviews. The girls that worked there really liked me and told me they'd told their boss that. Everything was going perfect. We prayed and headed to the interview. It was going great. A few things we'd had questionable looks on, but nothing so big that I didn't think we wouldnt' get the job. I was supposed to know by noon today. Noon rolled around. No call. One-o-clock - no call. Finally I call them at two. Talked to the girl that I really liked the most and unfortunatly for both of us, she had to deliver the bad news. They'd gone with someone else. And she didn't know why. She was upset that it hadn't been me. I was definatly upset that it hadn't been me. But why? Everything had gone so well. Finally this afternoon the boss called and we talked. While I didn't like the answer (same excuse he gave me last time) I told him that I understood his situation and that while I didnt' agree with it, I did respect his decision.

Mad. I was mad. Why put me through all that again, an even more pressured process than before, to give me the same line again? We'd prayed about it. This was it. Or so it felt. Feels. I couldn't even get the words out to Scott, but he knew through my tears. This would have been huge for us. I feel like a fish from whom the baits been snatched. So I went to be alone. I turned on the radio and God met me in the state I was in. Right there, sitting in front of the stereo, feeling as if I couldn't get any lower. The song, "Cry Out To Jesus" came on. That's just like you sweet Abba Father. And I did. I cried. And cried some more. And I still haven't really stopped. I had promised myself I wouldnt' get my hopes up this time, but I did. The more hurdles we passed the better I felt about getting the job. My hopes were soaring. And just like that, not.

But in all of this, one thing is constant. One thing soars, and never comes down. He loves me. He loves me girls. Tonight I'll be resting in Him. I'm not going to worry about the why. I can't change it. I'm not going to worry about not getting the job, I can't change the decision. So I'm not going to bring myself down, or beat myself up. It really didn't have anything to do with me.

He loves me. And girls - THAT is it!


Shonda said...

Oh sweet Jen--Yes He loves you! Keep taking comfort in that He loves you. He is watching over you and has your best interest in mind.
Blessings in Christ--

Bev Brandon said...

We can lose the job we love, the friendships we love...but He loves Jen with a Love she will never lose. I hung on to every word of your post with a tear falling from my disappointed with sorry it didn't work like you hopeful as I read your closing comments that a shift occurred in you that your God was calling you to Himself in your loss and you found Him there...heard Beth Moore this week @ Esther Bible Study which reminded me of you---what happens when God does not part our Red Sea? This is what happens to Jen---she goes to Him, she cries to Him, she listens to Him, and she trusts Him. Not perfectly but humbly. Your post is the sweet smell II Cor. 2:14---the aroma of your Christ through your step of faith.