I feel a change coming on. It's been a while coming because I am not comfortable with change or the direction this change is going. Don't mistake me, it's an incredibly necessary change, but it's also one that's requiring me to grow. Over the past several weeks I've noticed my inability to allow people in my life to do things. On the short list it's things like chores; i.e. picking up toys, making beds, whatever. In the long run it's larger things. Things I simply just do because there's not really any fight in me left. I feel like I've let others get away with treating me in a way that not only do I not deserve, but ten years ago I would have never allowed. Nothing awful, just more in the realm of taking advantage when they know better. Have you ever been there? I'm at a point where things just exhaust me right at the thought of them. I know it'll be difficult to deal with so I'd rather just do whatever it is myself rather than have to deal with the drama. I'm exhausted by drama. Things should be how they should be and that's just it. I'm not looking for perfection here, just for others to handle their responsibilities rather than heap it on the already worn down/out person. The sad part is, I sort of feel like I'm already asking too much. I've been carrying the load for a long time, why can't I just keep carrying it? Because I'm exhausted. I simply just can't do it anymore. I'm at the point where I'm tired all the time. Cranky all the time. Disappointed all the time. And that has to stop. Some of the burdens have to be shifted back to the people I've been carrying them for.
As many of you know, we recently moved back to Clyde. That's what started this painful growth process, and my mental realization of the problem. First I had to admit that this was a problem to begin with. For a long time I've felt like I couldn't breath. There was no time to come up for air with everything I've been juggling, emotionally and physically. But moving out here allowed me the time to slow down and breath. Inevitably it also allowed me the time to think through why I was so physically, spiritually, and emotionally exhausted. This time allowed me to see what's not right in my life and has given me the courage to actually do something about it. Grow a spine. Sooner or later I'm going to have to stand up and say that I will not take on anymore burdens for others. It's time to stand on my feet and say no more heaping! No more manipulations so that I'll simply cave and take care of it all rather than fight for myself. It goes so much deeper than simply household chores, that's a mere example. The actual "things" don't matter as much as the realization that I can breathe. It's okay to give back what others are responsible for, and it's okay to expect them to take care of their own responsibilities. It's also okay to step back and let them make mistakes and grow from them. Certainly grace and forgiveness come into play, but the biggest mistake of all would be to continue carrying these things and watch myself falter and fall while the others sit and stagnate.
This exhausted "fixer" is broken. But that's okay, because she can finally breathe.