Wednesday, March 25, 2009

more of a y than a v

This has been a funky day for me. Sick kid, high emotions, sadness, second guessing... to much going on to write about. But something happened this morning and I'm just figuring out what God was trying to show me. I think he meant it to happen that way.

This morning I sat out on the patio watching the day wake up. There was a group of birds trying desperately to get across the blustering cloudy sky. What struck me as odd about this group, is that their "v" shaped flying pattern was all out of whack. Out front in a single line flew 4, sometimes 5, lone birds. The back of the "v" was in shambles. One side was straight and ready, the other was quite crooked and pretty much what that guy from Project Runway would call a "hot mess". (without the 'hot' perhaps). I tried my best to figure out what on earth was wrong with those birds. Then it hit me. They didn't know who to follow. The line of birds out front showed an uprising of those who wanted to lead the pack. The lines to the back showed an utter confusion of whom to follow. Their "v" was very much a "y". I wondered if some of them were actually wondering "y" they were following leaders who seemed to want to argue over who was going to be out front than keeping their flock together. And now tonight after the day I've had emotionally, God's giving me a clue as to what on earth I was witnessing this morning. Crazy pack of birds maybe, lesson from God for sure. You see, I've been arguing with God over who was going to lead my life. My pretty "v" is very much a "y" sometimes. And I get my sides all in a hot mess while I'm blinded by all the junk in front of me. In trying to steal the lead from God, I create quite a mess in my wake. Why am I not content to follow God's lead and let him keep the "v" going. I'm terrified of incredible leaps of faith. I'm so afraid I'll make the wrong choice that often times I make God push me before I'll leap. And too often I don't see the mess I've created until it's too late. But how awesome is God that he still comes and straightens my messes up for me? So Lord tonight with all that's on my heart and mind, even as the tears come down, I'm praying for a V in my life. I don't want a tail of fighting for leadership in my life. I want the courage to follow you wherever you take me. I want the courage to live in a V patterned life, rather than the fear of living in a Y life. Help me to step back and follow you more. And help me to stop second guessing my life. Because you are in the lead.