sitting.feeling.attacked

Those 3 words sum up what I'm doing and how I'm feeling. I am sitting here wallowing in my feelings of hurt. I am being attacked. I'm being slapped in the face with false guilt. And I'm letting it all dictate my mood. I'm in a crummy mood. And to top this horrible day off, dinner is not agreeing with me. (and I think I just misspelled "agreeing") Why do I expect certain things from certain people? I mean, let's face it, we all expect certain things from certain people. Expect certain behaviors, certain things to not be done by certain people. (I'm protecting identities here so I'm being vague on purpose). What surprised (and hurt) me today was something someone did that I DIDN'T expect. A situation was manipulated that caused me to miss an important meeting. And the person that did it... well it's just someone I never expected it from. Which I think is what I'm most upset about. It's difficult sometimes to handle when people act in a certain manner that you'd never expect. But it's making me look at why I expected this woman to act differently. I guess I was shown a dose of humanity and didn't really like what I saw. I've always seen Christ in her, and I guess I had come to always expect Christ from her, and this was just not what I was used to seeing. Satan is on the attack. Both with me personally, and within our church. We are starting a new program, and from the moment we committed to it we have been under attack. People are acting in ways they never have, people (including me) are RE-acting in ways they never have. So many issues have come up that have prevented me from doing with I commited to doing. And this is where the false guilt comes in... I KNOW in my head I've had no control over my family getting sick and the other situations that have come up, but that doesn't make it any better. I have failed at doing what I commited to do, and I hate it. Satan has been attacking me physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, you name it, he's attacked it. It's been a full on war from the moment I said yes to helping facilitate this new program. And thus my reaction from what happened today. My head keeps telling me "why are you so mad? she's human" But the emotion in me says, "you have every right to be mad, what happened was not fair!" And so I struggle with what to do now that it's happened and I'm hurt and it can't be taken back. I know what I will do is let it go and leave it because in the grand realm of things, it's pointless. But how do I tell my emotional side to drop it? I was wronged. I was hurt. I was made to look like I didn't care... I. I. I. And there's the problem. Satan wants me so focused on myself, that I lose focus on what God has for me. I can not explain what God has been doing with me over the past few months. Radical change in the deepest corners of my soul. That's the only way to explain what God's been doing to me. I'm scared. I'm so afraid of what He wants me to do that now I'm scared I'm secretly letting satan will a few small battles so that I don't have to face what God wants from me. I'm worried that people like her will think I am the biggest crazy person on the planet. I'm worried that others will think I'm just jumping on the band-wagon and really have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm worried that others will discredit me because I'm not acting in the way that's expected. I'm worried that I'll be so afraid that I'll let satan change my focus without realizing it and miss out on what God has for me. I'm worried that you're reading this and thinking, "yep, she's crazy". I don't know why now. I don't know why what happened today has effected me so deeply. I don't know why I'm sharing this on a blog that a million people might read. I don't know why I didn't expect human-ness from this woman. And I'm sorry for that. I don't know why some people are on a pedastal in my "book of expectations". My dissapointment in people today was great. My dissapointment in myself today was great. Today was a bad day. I'm still sorting through all the emotions that I have felt. It runs the gammot. I summed it up in 3 words -

sitting.feeling.attacked

Oh Lord... I don't even know where to begin. You know my heart. I have no words.