healing is worth the pain

Well after the wild day of emotion, tears, sudden words, and furious note jotting, I have been exhausted all week. God has blessed me though. Scott has been home the past few days giving me time to mentally relax from it all. Do I sound crazy? I feel like I do. I'm still processing everything God showed me. And still mulling over the work he did in my heart. It hurts. Stone plucking can do that to you. I'm at peace with a situation that has been infecting my heart for some time now. My human head is telling me that I really don't want to be at peace with it. Something terrible happened. I was wronged. I was treated unfairly at the worst possible moment of the year thus far. I was lied to. I was talked about. I was wronged. Don't I have the right to carry that for just a bit longer? No. I don't. And I shouldn't have carried it this long. I let it affect my relationships. More than should have ever been affected. Worst of all, the rock in my heart blocked out God. He couldn't work in that area because I was stubborn enough to want to hold on to it and let my need to be avenged keep God from comforting and healing my wounds. Why? Why shut out God from that part of my heart? And did shutting Him out of one part keep Him from my whole heart?

Yes.

Because I found out that when you let one stone take root, you sytematically let another, and another, and another. And He's been pulling and pulling trying to yank it out. Finally, finally He put a foot on each side, reached down, and yanked that sucker out. Roots and all. And it hurt. It hurt terribly. And for a moment, left me feeling empty. Left me feeling vulnerable. Like everything that happened to me was for nothing. I could no longer fight back. I could no longer carry that grudge. I could no longer feel it deepening into my heart. I had no entitlement over it. Am I making sense here?

The reason why He ripped it out, I allready knew. It was poisoning me. It was oozing it's senses into everything I did. It began affecting how I worshipped. It began affecting my submission to the Lord. It began affecting my relationships. And I knew what was happening every minute that stone stayed rooted. I didn't care. I wanted what I wanted regardless. What did it get me? A lot of pain. A lot of pain.

What started this week of healing? A single comment. Made by someone who would never (will never) know the ramifications that one comment made. It was not made to me specifically. It was not meant for me alone. But when made, it sent a dagger straight to the center of that rock. And from there, cracks formed and God sunk deeper and deeper in those cracks. I fought Him. This was MINE to carry wasn't it? Nope. It was His to smash. And smash He did. Out of love for me. I kept hearing over and over, get RID of this! You do not need this in your life. Give it to me. GIVE IT TO ME! (yes sisters, sometimes God has to raise His voice for us to hear Him over our own balking). Finally letting go, it hurt. Any of you who have been through something like this know, it hurts.

Immediatly God went out filling my hole with all things spiritual. He gave me so many words I barely had time to note one before He sent me reeling with another. The most important part of the day however was the word He gave me for another. I still feel the affects as if it were happening all over again. I was on my knees bawling and praying and asking God for something, anything to help the pain. Her face. He said, here is someone who's dealt with rocks. Here is someone who needs you to pray for her. Here is your friend whose heart is truly heavy and hurting, pray for her. I did. Stitches in the hole. One word kept repeating in my prayers. Give it to her. What if she thinks I'm crazy?? She won't, give it to her. I did. Stitches in the hole. Pray for her again, she's having a hard morning. Well now she's really going to think I'm crazy. She won't. I did. Stitches in the hole.

This conversation went on for a bit until finally I was stitched up enough to come up for air. And like a crashing wave, healing came. Only a small scar remains where the stone used to be. A reminder to me of the awesome love my God has for me. Oh that I had seen it sooner! God used my friend and His word (and is still using them!) to work out one of the biggest strongholds I've had on my life thus far. Still fresh in my mind is the sting of the rock being prodded and the pain of it finally being ripped out. But also fresh on my mind is the incredible feeling of being healed of this affliction. And I pray that THAT feeling never goes away. I can't tell you why I'm sharing so much, but I just felt the overwhelming need to share this with you all. Because I know I am not the only one to carry a stone the size of Texas in my heart. And it is my hope that this will help you realize how dangerous those stones are. If you are dealing with a similar situation, ask God to send a dagger to crack your stone. It will hurt for a bit sister, but in the end you will experience God in a way you never have and get to hold His hand on the journey. The healing is well worth the pain.

moving day

God is stirring my heart so much today that I have spent most of the day feverishly scribbling notes, recording scripture, and crying. I've been on my knees praying more today than I think I ever have. My head hurts, I feel exhausted and spent, and I have so much stuff to go on. I know this might not make sense to much of you, but for those few who know what my head and heart are going through today, thank you for praying for me. God has been moving. Moving my heart. Moving my head. Moving my pen. A year ago He set fire to my passion to write a book. And write I have. Devotion after devotion, God has given me gems from His word, to pass on to others. Where the understanding comes from, I have no idea. Well yes I do. When God gives you something, He doesn't just leave you to it, He molds you through it. Today is no exception. He has been moving mountains in me today. Stones frozen in my heart, He's plucked up. Many wounds have opened and poured down my face. Suddenly not understanding why some things happened is not important anymore. Letting God in to heal those areas means so much more. And the amazing thing that is happening while God is healing, I've been able to reach out and share specific words He's given me for others. They know who they are. I've never had a day like this. I've spent a few hours dizzly soaring through the Bible, scribbling verses to use later. I've been bawling on my face letting God stitch up where my heart ached. I've been out on my patio in the rain, tears streaming down, talking to Him, begging Him for understanding. And now, exhausted and spent, I rest in His arms to be carried through the rest of this movement. I can not tell you why today. I can't even tell you why me. I was not ready for the things God showed me today. I was not worthy to carry the message to a sweet friend today. And most of all, I am not worthy of this new thread from my heart to His. Crying again, He's lifted my head to Him and said in my heart, YES YOU ARE.

I have no idea what is coming next. I'm worried my husband will think I'm a bawling crying mess when he gets home. I worried my friend will think I'm a weirder person than first anticipated. I'm worried most of all I won't do with God's word what He is entrusting me to do. But one thing I do know, I'm here. I'm open. My heart is pounding. My tears are flowing. But I'm here. I'm at His feet ready for the next movement.

Today is moving day.

devotion

I get these in my e-mail every day through Crosswalk.com, you can visit the link to the side of my page. Today's was one that I'd like to share. :) You can also sign up on their website to recieve this e-mail daily from them. Enjoy.

June 25, 2007

Can I Lick the Spoon?
By Wendy Pope

“So the last will be first, and the first will be last." Matthew 20:16 (NIV)

Devotion:
I find it easy to send clothes, money, food, and other necessities to those in need, but struggle with the serious sickness of a selfish spirit. The very idea of being last is not something I have wanted to embrace much less put to practice. After all don't I deserve some simple pleasures in life? I work hard at my job. I take good care of my family. They are always fed, and most the time the meal is fairly nutritious. Everyone sleeps in bed with sheets that are clean and wake up to clean clothes to wear each day. So why shouldn’t I have a few simple pleasures in life that I can call my own, like licking the chocolate syrup off the spoon. Let me explain.

With two children in the house I often have the opportunity to come last. A tradition in my life since I was young girl is making chocolate milk with Hershey'sÔ syrup. The highlight of the experience is licking the chocolate off the spoon when the milk is mixed. This is a pleasure that I had managed to keep to myself until about six months ago. My six-year-old observed me enjoying the delightfully sweet treat after mixing his milk one day. Since my secret pleasure has been revealed, I rarely get to enjoy the treat.

One particular day when I had been the hands and feet of Jesus to many people, served faithfully in every area of my responsibilities, I wanted a treat. No, I knew I deserved a treat! Then it happened???my son asked to lick the spoon. I wish I could say that with the love of Jesus, I handed him the spoon, but I stood there in a mental argument with the Lord reminding Him of all the great things I had done that day. In a silent pause, I was reminded that I was here to serve not to be served, so I handed the spoon to my son.

Laying down what you think you deserve is difficult. Putting others needs and wants in front of your own does not come naturally. It requires a minute-by-minute reliance on the Holy Spirit to enable you to live beyond yourself.

No matter what season of life you are currently in, someone will inevitably ask to lick the chocolate off your spoon, the very pleasure you believe you deserve. Let me encourage you to live beyond yourself in that moment and hand them the spoon. The blessing you give will come back to you ten-fold. Do you know how I can make that statement? I can because I have lived this truth. After I gave my son the spoon, I remembered that I could dip the spoon right in the can to get as much syrup as I wanted and I did.

my daddy

Yesterday for Father's Day we went out to mom and dads for a BBQ. My dad is the worlds BEST BBQ-er hands down. He can make those burgers sing! It was so much fun. Mom and I hung out with the boys to keep them from bugging Poppy and Scott. I love talking to mom about whatever. Seems like we can fit any topic under the sun in in the few short hours we're there. So Poppy whipped up some of his famous burgers and hot dogs and we ate like kings. Even the boys, who normally don't like burgers, eat Poppy's burgers. And for dessert... you betcha! Strawberry Shortcake. MMMMMMMMMMMMM!! We had gotten Dad his favorite chocolate pie, and he got to have him an "MMMMMM" moment too. Then we spent the evening watching a few movies and chatting some more. All in all we had a very fun evening with my folks, and a had a wonderful Father's Day!

I love my daddy so much! Most of all I love his strength in faith. He knows without a doubt that God is real and in control. It still amazes me when he says, "God'll take care of it". He has gone through, and still goes through, some amazing trials in life. Many would have questioned God, I have. But Dad stands strong with God and knows that whatever comes his way, God'll handle it. I see Jesus on my father, and through him. The transformation has been a blessing to watch. My daddy has always been the rock of our family. The sound, strong, dependable daddy. Who will do for others whether he feels able or not. He's at church, ministering whether he's sick or not. Sometimes just a day after getting out of the hospital. I can only hope one day to be strong in faith like my daddy. So many times when I'm in the thick of something awful, I forget to realize that God will handle it, if I let Him. My dad stands strong as a testimony to others and to me. God will take you places you've never imagined, give you strength you never thought possible, and love you with a heart unlike any you've ever encountered, if only you will let Him.

Thank you daddy for the lessons you've taught me, and continue to teach me every day. You are the rock I know I can always come to. You are a man on fire for God. You are an example to my boys of God's favoring on a servant with whom He is well pleased. I am so proud of you for all you have accomplished. And I can only hope one day that my boys will grow up to be just like you. I love you with all my heart!

as promised

here are some pics of my little bukaroos at VBS today, they are so darn cute!

catching up

So my goodness it's been a few days since I've blogged. Guess I gotta catch everyone up! :) Vacation Bible School has begun. This is one of the highlights of my year. I so look forward to getting to goof around, be silly, and help bring Jesus to children who starve for His love. We had a fun fun first day, a little rocky, but our week will only get better. First days are always hard. We only had a handful in pre-school today, but I'm trusting God to remedy that "problem" within a few days. One major excitement for me today was seeing David in with the big kids this year. Wow. He had so much fun! He's with one of his best friends and man did he come alive! I looked back at him several times and his little face was lit up with joy that only comes after you've sung fun songs, learned a bit about Jesus, and lept for the candy being flung through the air. Oh my sweet sweet boy! My other jewel today was seeing my youngest, Daniel, sing and play and have a blast in pre-k with me! He didn't have a cowboy hat like brother, so he wore a Texas Rangers baseball cap and red bandana. It was "cowboy" enough for him. When did they get so big? And why does it seem like the grow the fastest when I can only catch a glimpse of them? It's so hard to believe that David is in Adventure Bay now, and in "big kid" VBS. Well like any busy mom, I forgot to take my camera today and get photos of the boys in action, but I will snag some photos to share tomorrow. We'll be hootin' and hollerin' and takin' us another wild ride through God's word and I'm sure I'll have ample chance to get pics of my sweets beltin' out a YEEEE-HAA!! or two. :) (our VBS is western themed this year)


Please remember to keep my friend Chrissy in your prayers. She is headed overseas for a mission trip. I am praying that God use this trip to impact her life in a major way, and that she come back with a passion on fire for God. And hopefully we'll get to see some amazing pictures when she gets back!!

Lord you are Good

He is GOOD all the time!!!

praise Him

What is God teaching me today? Praise. Why? Who cares. We all have something to praise God for no matter what stage or place in life we are. Nothing out of the ordinary happened today, no big reward or spectacular news. Just another plain old day in my life. But today I was given an overwhelming feeling to praise God. I turned up the tunes, grabbed my hairbrush/microphone, and belted out my favorite praise songs singing only for Him and loving every minute of it. Isn't that just like our sweet sweet Lord? Even when we're doing something for Him, He still blesses us with it. My favorite praise song is one that I fell in love with last at the Women of Faith conference in Dallas last August. I had heard it before on the radio, but when I heard it sung at the conference and participated in the worship that flowed from it, it struck a new cord in my heart. Everytime I hear it I just can't get my hands high enough or my smile big enough. It epitomizes to my why I praise my Lord. If your toes don't tap, something might just be wrong with you. :) I hope you enjoy "my" song and feel free to bust out of your seat and sing and dance in worship to our God. Cause sistahs, He is good!