Wednesday, June 27, 2007

healing is worth the pain

Well after the wild day of emotion, tears, sudden words, and furious note jotting, I have been exhausted all week. God has blessed me though. Scott has been home the past few days giving me time to mentally relax from it all. Do I sound crazy? I feel like I do. I'm still processing everything God showed me. And still mulling over the work he did in my heart. It hurts. Stone plucking can do that to you. I'm at peace with a situation that has been infecting my heart for some time now. My human head is telling me that I really don't want to be at peace with it. Something terrible happened. I was wronged. I was treated unfairly at the worst possible moment of the year thus far. I was lied to. I was talked about. I was wronged. Don't I have the right to carry that for just a bit longer? No. I don't. And I shouldn't have carried it this long. I let it affect my relationships. More than should have ever been affected. Worst of all, the rock in my heart blocked out God. He couldn't work in that area because I was stubborn enough to want to hold on to it and let my need to be avenged keep God from comforting and healing my wounds. Why? Why shut out God from that part of my heart? And did shutting Him out of one part keep Him from my whole heart?

Yes.

Because I found out that when you let one stone take root, you sytematically let another, and another, and another. And He's been pulling and pulling trying to yank it out. Finally, finally He put a foot on each side, reached down, and yanked that sucker out. Roots and all. And it hurt. It hurt terribly. And for a moment, left me feeling empty. Left me feeling vulnerable. Like everything that happened to me was for nothing. I could no longer fight back. I could no longer carry that grudge. I could no longer feel it deepening into my heart. I had no entitlement over it. Am I making sense here?

The reason why He ripped it out, I allready knew. It was poisoning me. It was oozing it's senses into everything I did. It began affecting how I worshipped. It began affecting my submission to the Lord. It began affecting my relationships. And I knew what was happening every minute that stone stayed rooted. I didn't care. I wanted what I wanted regardless. What did it get me? A lot of pain. A lot of pain.

What started this week of healing? A single comment. Made by someone who would never (will never) know the ramifications that one comment made. It was not made to me specifically. It was not meant for me alone. But when made, it sent a dagger straight to the center of that rock. And from there, cracks formed and God sunk deeper and deeper in those cracks. I fought Him. This was MINE to carry wasn't it? Nope. It was His to smash. And smash He did. Out of love for me. I kept hearing over and over, get RID of this! You do not need this in your life. Give it to me. GIVE IT TO ME! (yes sisters, sometimes God has to raise His voice for us to hear Him over our own balking). Finally letting go, it hurt. Any of you who have been through something like this know, it hurts.

Immediatly God went out filling my hole with all things spiritual. He gave me so many words I barely had time to note one before He sent me reeling with another. The most important part of the day however was the word He gave me for another. I still feel the affects as if it were happening all over again. I was on my knees bawling and praying and asking God for something, anything to help the pain. Her face. He said, here is someone who's dealt with rocks. Here is someone who needs you to pray for her. Here is your friend whose heart is truly heavy and hurting, pray for her. I did. Stitches in the hole. One word kept repeating in my prayers. Give it to her. What if she thinks I'm crazy?? She won't, give it to her. I did. Stitches in the hole. Pray for her again, she's having a hard morning. Well now she's really going to think I'm crazy. She won't. I did. Stitches in the hole.

This conversation went on for a bit until finally I was stitched up enough to come up for air. And like a crashing wave, healing came. Only a small scar remains where the stone used to be. A reminder to me of the awesome love my God has for me. Oh that I had seen it sooner! God used my friend and His word (and is still using them!) to work out one of the biggest strongholds I've had on my life thus far. Still fresh in my mind is the sting of the rock being prodded and the pain of it finally being ripped out. But also fresh on my mind is the incredible feeling of being healed of this affliction. And I pray that THAT feeling never goes away. I can't tell you why I'm sharing so much, but I just felt the overwhelming need to share this with you all. Because I know I am not the only one to carry a stone the size of Texas in my heart. And it is my hope that this will help you realize how dangerous those stones are. If you are dealing with a similar situation, ask God to send a dagger to crack your stone. It will hurt for a bit sister, but in the end you will experience God in a way you never have and get to hold His hand on the journey. The healing is well worth the pain.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

read your post at babybangs...i too enjoy checking out what the sistas are chattin' about so i came here...Ty for sharing your experience here...i think about the number of people you will help from now on for going through this process...no one will do this just because someone tells them they should...they have to believe that you've been exactly where they are and know their truth..Praise Him!

Debra said...

Thank you for sharing...

To be in constant love with him is worth all the pain of giving up our own grief. He cannot be where we are full of ourselves.

good word.